If you don’t watch Vanderpump Rules, we likely would get into a fight about it. It’s near perfect brainless fun. Most shows on Bravo are (I watch 90% of them), but this one has a particularly brilliant and intoxicating brand of purposelessness. Hell, even the New York Times has validated our feelings.

Centering around the staff of SUR restaurant, there’s no lack of drinking. But aside from Lisa, the wine they drink is woefully cheap. As much as they love graping it up on their couch (BECAUSE WHO DOESN’T), the cast has actually purchased and consumed Barefoot, Yellowtail, and Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio.

Grapefriend is here to help! If I sat down for a glass with each of them, here’s what I’d order based on their personalities. So just raise your glasses high, guys, this one’s for you tonight.

stassi

With the most scathing tongue on the show, we need to go Riesling here with its high levels of acid. But, every once in a while we see a sweet side with her friends. Rieslings from the Mosel region also have this acid-sweet balance, and hopefully can sway her off the Pinot Grigio.

scheana

As Lisa’s obedient protégé, we’ve gotta go rosé for her. (Side note: Lisa naming one of her ponies Rosé was one of the best moments that have come out of the show.) But since she’s also a little unpredictable and sassy, I’d go with a wild one from Bandol.

kristen

She could use some earthy grounding, so a gritty Malbec from Mendoza could be a good antidote. I don’t really like her and I don’t really like Malbec, but if I were drinking from the same bottle I wouldn’t deprive myself and would at least get a really good one like Angelica Zapata or something.

tom schwarz

He’s kind of a hipster, so I’d do a light but earthy red from the trendy Jura. He also has lots of time on his hands and spends a lot of it at the bar where his friends are working, and the Jura reds are great with charcuterie he can have at said bars.

katie

A little bland but generally pleasant, I’d pop open some Pinot Blanc from Alsace.

tom sandoval

Hyper into his manicured hair and looks in general, he’s a bit fruity. But in the end he’s generally a decent guy and has moments of coolness, so I’d show him the world of Cru Beaujolais (all Gamay grapes).

ariana

I am firmly Team Ariana in the incessant Ariana-Kristen showdowns, but she has had a real sour grapes demeanor lately. As one of few people on the show who seems like she’s actually sort of smart (she is still on the show and still bartending, so let’s not go too crazy), I like her. And she’s really pretty. I’d open a really good Chenin Blanc with her. It’s full of apples, lemon, lanolin (dead giveaway that a wine’s Chenin is when you smell wet wool) and has great acidity so it can age well.

As for Jax, he’s a Pumper for life. Just stick with the Villa Blanca wine you stole.