Dearest Gladiator Grapefriends: Apologies for missing the action last week! Between SXSW and other real life obligations, we missed Liv’s return to wine. But fear not, we’re back on track with an extra long recap.

Let’s quickly talk about last week where we opened an episode with Liv guzzling white wine straight from the bottle. That’s right, WHITE WINE. This is one of many signs that tell us Liv is still not okay, which is totally understandable. And listen, I’m a white wine girl and there’s nothing wrong with drinking it as often as you please—but this is just not the Olivia Pope we know.

grapefriend wine recommendation: Let it be known that I don’t recommend chugging wine out of a bottle, no matter how amazing it is. And if someone were to choose to do this, I would NOT recommend white which has more apparent acid and would be far harder to gulp down. But, maybe she was drinking the California Oak (her favorite fake wine) Chardonnay, which would have less acid. Still, you wouldn’t want to gulp cold wine, and you wouldn’t want to drink white not cold – so I have a lot of problems with this scene all around! 

By the end of the episode, Liv is far from back to normal, but she is at least wearing proper loungewear and ready for some popcorn and red (in the glass!) again. Phew.

grapefriend wine recommendation: If you’re back in action after a long and torturous time without red wine, you better not be popping California Oak. You’d have to really pull a Papa Pope here and go for something great. I’d go for a Chateauneuf du Pape, which is a Rhone blend of primarily Syrah, Grenache, and Mourvedre. I really think white would go best with popcorn, but if you must choose red (as Olivia does) then the medium-full body of the CdP would be a better companion than something light like Pinot Noir.  

On to this week where we find Lena Dunham as a somewhat bizarro-world version of her Girls character Hannah Horvath who has done very kinky things with a number of power players in D.C.—including Leo (The Dustbuster) and David Rosen (The Doctor)—and written a book about it. There should be some sort of drinking game that involves figuring out what the the other men are men are into to be given such monikers as The Gulch, Sit n Spin, Rawhide, and Joystick. Good times!

wine moment #1

Liv is downing large glasses of wine in her apartment, as one does sometimes. But we learn via her sometimes-boyfriends’ chit chat over whiskey that Liv is going to work every day but picking up a couple bottles of vino on her way home every night. And she’s not ordering in any food. This is problematic because as Fitz notes she’s also “Not much of a chef” to which Jake quips that she’s an “expert with a corkscrew.” Listen, I know this is not happy drinking but that’s still a seriously grapefriend-y attribute!

grapefriend wine recommendation: First, let me say that it really pisses me off that the only people who drink whiskey on this show are guys – like hard stuff is for men, and girls only drink wine. We do have a few male grape friends on the show (Papa Pope and Cyrus as the biggest) but usually it’s the dudes who drink brown. Lame. So I’m going to recommend whiskey for Liv here as she copes with the mental backlash of her kidnapping, not her beloved fake California Oak. And if you don’t want to start out with the heavy and peaty stuff like Lagavulin, let’s start her off with a more delicate and floral Japanese one like Hibiki. Mmmm.

wine moment #2

Another night, another bottle of red.

grapefriend wine recommendation: Now this is where it could get really interesting. You’re going through these tweaky flashbacks and need to get your mind off of things. California Oak night after night ain’t gonna do it. I’d recommend she try something really funky and interesting that would make her focus on some grapes for a while instead of her: Trousseau. First of all, she could learn all about the small Jura region in France, known for it’s funky oxidized whites but that also makes some really awesome light reds. Then she could get caught up in the foresty funk, dusty red berries and beets, and brown tea leaves. All that global adding for her would be erased from memory in no time.  

But something seems to be stopping Liv from drinking alone tonight. This leads to…

martini moment #1

When Liv takes on another persona, she goes all Method with the role. “Alex” is martini with a twist and two olives kind of girl. She also maybe wants to have a one-night stand. This promptly goes awry when Liv has some PTSD-like flashbacks to her time in captivity. Our girl is struggling!

Oh but then…

martini moment #2 turns into wine moment #3

Liv, er Alex, is back at the bar with her martini and that handsome stranger she previously abandoned after her bathroom freak out. But this time she’s ready to take him home and seal the deal, complete with a bottle of red and two glasses!

grapefriend wine recommendation: Sexy time calls for sexy wine. First, you don’t want to go for white which will be sitting on your nightstand for, uh, a while. So you want a seductive red, one that’s silky, elegant, and maybe a touch floral just to keep the feminine power rolling. I’d go for a Grand Cru Beaujolais. There are ten small villages that make the best wines form the Gamay grape, and after a little lovin’ you’d have to go for one from St. Amour. 

A special toast to Abby and her double-standards speech to Leo!

And finally there will need to be numerous bottles of wine to make me able to deal with this Huck nonsense. Honestly, I’ve never much cared about this lunatic and now that’s even more true now. Sorry, Sue—you deserved way better.

Until next week where we just might find ourselves at a gay Republican White House wedding! Whatever will they serve?

Follow on Twitter @grapefriend and @abbygardner where we’ll be anxiously awaiting the wedding bottle popping…