You may recall my grapefriend Abby Gardner, who brought us all the grapiest moments from Alias a few TBT’s ago. No stranger to tv or (more importantly) wine, she will now be bringing us weekly recaps on by far the winiest show on tv: Scandal! I don’t normally watch the show so I enlisted her and without any further ado will let her take it away (with a few grapey side notes from yours truly).

SCANDAL IS BACK. SCANDAL IS BACK. SCANDAL IS BACK. Grapefriends and Gladiators rejoiced last night as our two-month long national nightmare of Pope-less Thursdays came to an end. And along with dramatic monologues, kidnappings, and a VP who believes in devil possession, we got not one but two pivotal wine scenes!

The first was a very public, very tense, very filled with fake smiles lunch set up by First Lady Mellie and her magnificently big hair (the hot rollers were working overtime this episode!) As rumors swirled once again about an Olitz relationship, Mellie wanted to put on a show for the photographers and gossip bloggers proving that she and Liv were tight as ever, hence there could be no affair. Before Liv even arrived, Mellie ordered a bottle of red because she knows Olivia “loves her wine.” She SURE does, Mel. And she continues to never spill it—even while wearing the most gorgeous white coat since the last time she wore a gorgeous white coat. (If only we were so lucky, Grapefriends!)

The First Lady also came armed with a list of eligible DC men for Olivia to date, on very fancy Mellie Grant letterhead no less. As Liv and Fitz were making out in the Oval earlier in the episode, Liv is not super psyched though as always she (and we) are very impressed with Mellie. As I mentioned on Twitter last night, I’d actually love for her to take over my dating life. And I’d very much like to know what wine Mellie Grant deems suitable for such a lunch!

[grapefriend choice: I’d select a Chateaneuf du Pape, a wine from the Rhone region that can potentially be made from any mix of 13 grapes. Mellie needs to provide as many options as possible for Olivia so why not throw out a blend with lots of grape options to set the stage.]

The second major wine moment is one we’ve come to know well: Liv home alone, pining over Fitz and her rather massive daddy (and now mommy) issues, and pouring herself massive glasses of vino. I’d be doing the same if my scary super-spy father had unleashed a torrent of terrifying threats on me on a bench outside a famous Washington landmark; my (also) super-spy murderous mom is on the loose, whereabouts unknown; my boyfriend/the President/my boss is drinking before lunch and smashing glasses; and my ex-boyfriend is now running the secret government organization that turned my father into the person he now is. Seriously, get this girl another bottle.

[grapefriend choice: This sounds like a gigantic personal life mess. My choice would be anything amazing, like a Premier Cru Bordeaux, in copious amounts.]

And now she uses Jake “Are You A Patriot?” Ballard as her dummy boyfriend for the press because Fitz “trusts” him? Yikes, somebody pour me another glass of Gruner (I’m a white wine girl) because this can’t end well.