“I like wine, but I hate reading about it, because I think wine writing is not a lot of fun. So I try to make it a little more fun.”

forget your cash and your jewelry - now he expects Burgundy

I know you’re thinking I wrote that. (But since it’s in quotes, you were probably like, Why is grapefriend quoting herself?) Anyway, it’s not my quote, it’s from the Beastie Boys’ Mike D. Last year, Mike D starting doing little wine reviews for James Suckling’s website (James Suckling is a major wine critic who used to run the Euro bureau of Wine Spectator).

Well last week, Mike D said he’d been too busy lately to do wine reviews which is too bad because they’re pretty freaking hilarious. This is a guy who called a Cheval Blanc Merlot, “a big ass, cleavagey beauty.” A few other gems:

2006 Jean-Marc Morey Santenay La Comme Dessus

“This was surprisingly ready to rock — ripe fruits, earthy notes, even a little bit of refined funk. Elegant and restrained with well-balanced tension.”

1974 Ceretto Zonchetta Barolo delle Brunate

“Rusty belt buckle meets wet leather. This is some S&M shit… It’s seamless and has a vibe that takes decades to come around. Needless to say, this was, as the Jackson’s say, “enjoy yourself” time.”

I did note his misuse of the word “myriad” – clearly, not a Heathers fan.

2002 Henri Boillot Corton Charlemagne

“This is gonna have the longevity of the most esteemed Corton chucks, like Coche Dury.”

Hell, even I had to look up Coche Dury (a Meursault, which is in Burgundy), but he called Corton wines “chucks” and I am sold.

1991 Domaine de L’Arlot Nuits St. Georges 1er Cru Clos des Forêts

“This is the real, real, booty unk, unk funk. We’re talking the sole of Isaac Hayes’ shoes while recording Hot Buttered Soul with the Bar-Kays in 1971 at Stax studios. This is just a magical point in time on this wine’s arc. This is that elusive experience in taste that us Burg freaks live for. While 1991 La Tache might need another two decades, this has all the pleasure right now, minus a little weight of a grand cru. But in terms of purity and expression of fruit and terroir, this shit is money! Light in color, so exquisitely balanced, earth, horse, fruit, and FUNK!!! Bring it. 96-97 points.”

I love that whole description.

Salon Le Mesnil Blanc de Blancs 1997

“I title this review ‘Spring In A Glass Pt. Deux’ because that is what this wine tastes and feels like. Straw but not pale, with microscopic bubbles. Yea that’s right, you fancy huh. Very light effervescence, almost not champagne, like a ginger ale left out over night.”

So one thing did bug me about the Grub Street wine writing convo. Mike D goes, “There are people who try to make it fun, and then they review, like, really cheap bad wine, but I review actually really ridiculously fancy wine.” Yeah, Mike, we don’t all have the money to drink to pop open Corton chucks every day! But I still love you and your reviews, and “Girls” will remain my ringtone.